New beginnings are not always flawless

I’ve experienced the highest amount of emotional toil of my adult life…in just two months. So many things have gone wrong and so many things are going right that I feel that I’m stuck in a dream. I lack control, but I’m able to make decisions to alter the events within this altered plane. I’m exhausted and well rested within the same day. Aspects of my life that I thought would never change have completely been erased. I’ve embraced enough emotional mood swings equivalent to a state mental institution. I have no regrets, but everyday feels like some sort of challenge.

In the span of ten weeks I quit my job at a prominent Seattle restaurant. Helped friends coordinate and decorate for their wedding. Packed up all my belongings. Screwed over by a moving company. Said goodbye to as many friends as possible. Gave my farewell wishes to a wonderful city. I confessed my true desires to a man I loved. Moved to a new city to build a business with another witchy minded friend. Ran into said man that I loved and was rejected most emphatically. I don’t cry everyday, but most days…sometimes, just a single tear.

Falling in love with your best friend is for the movies. I’ve been rejected and scorned by that relationship. I never thought I could live without him, but everyday I’m learning to breathe and exist. He still haunts my dreams. I’ve lost many important people in my life. Ones that I loved so much. I don’t dream about them. They’ve made guest appearances before, but this man exists within my waking memories as well as my dreamy desires. I’m awakened many times in the dead of night because his presence is so real and so vivid that I’m startled from my slumber. I continue to work on myself and my ambitions, as I’ve realized that my happiness can never be tied to him again. Yet, he haunts me. My hope is that with this next full moon I’ll be closer to riding him out of my consciousness. However, time will only tell.

Leaving Seattle was a breakup within itself. I know how to love people and I know what love feels like. I didn’t know you could truly love a city or an area. I must confess that I’m in love with the Pacific Northwest and we had to break up. I couldn’t continue to pursue my dreams while struggling in the magical city of Seattle. My last week was so emotional. I had to say goodbye to friends. I had to say goodbye to a place that I never wanted to leave. I loved the rainy days, the dark days, and ofcourse the cloudy days. The lush and crispness of this area cannot be compared or replicated. I had to abandon my home. I moved into the Biltmore Apartments in December 2014. Seven years of my life was spent in the castle on the hill. My essence was imprinted within the walls. I had the perfect apartment for myself and my dog, and I left it for another. Hopefully, another witchy individual will be able to love it as much as I did.

In the last month, I’ve been financially raped by moving companies. I trusted the wrong organization. The wrong people with my money and my belongings. I spent months saving and scraping to move from Washington to Colorado. I thought I’d done the proper research and budgeting necessary to make this move, yet, scrupulous people were able to get ahold of my prized possessions. I know these are just items and most things can always be replaced, but I felt absolutely defiled by these organizations. My moving costs ended up doubling within minutes. I contacted these companies via phone calls and emails, and nothing. I lived on the floor of my new apartment for a month before they arrived. I still don’t feel home, because all the money that I saved was ripped away from me because I signed their contract. I plan to try and destroy these companies with whatever means I have. I hope that no one will ever have to feel the way I’ve felt for the last thirty days.

Today is a milestone. I’m at least posting a blog of my feelings and experiences. I’ve written a little, but nothing I was willing to share. I’m still working on Part Three of Magick Caste Archive. I really wanted it to be complete by the end of the year. If I spend all the remaining hours I’m awake, I might be able to make something happen. I didn’t have internet access or my writing desk until a week ago. So, I’m doing my best.

Many people are supporting me emotionally. I’m quite grateful for those that love me. I literally wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those friends and family. I’m living a much more secluded and quiet life in Denver compared to Seattle. I’m adjusting and adapting. It is for the best, but man! It has been a rollercoaster. All I want to do is continue to drive the story of Tristan Graydin to the masses. Find stability and learn to love myself fully.